Nutrition

I might be getting myself a coach, an nutritionist. They're going to give me some advice in nutritional things. I don't know exactly if they're just about to email me some info or if they want to give me an exact plan to follow: What to eat and how much etc... I don't know if I'm comfortable with someone else telling me to eat or not to eat something. It's only something like 2 months, so I think I could try.

My pro-ana-experiences have made it difficult to myself to count calories and check the ingredients... I'm kind of scared, what if I lose control again when I start to notice how much sugars and fat I'm taking into my body?

They also told me that they'd like to follow my weight at the beginning and when we're finished. That's a thing I'm afraid of too: I haven't known my weight since I recognized it's not the way I feel healthy or good. It means in time something like 4 years.

I think this is the worst English I've ever written -.- Not only am I afraid of this nutrition thing, but I'm also ashamed of today's outcome. This writing was just shit.

Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred

Yes, I'm starting it again. This time I really wrote it down - it's now on my calendar and I'm really into all kind of timetables. Also I've now planned the days that'll come when I won't have time to work out, so that's fine for me. Now I know when to do 30DS and when I'll allow myself some rest.

I'll start tomorrow. I don't want to specify the days, but I have the exact time for these.
week 16: 3 times
week 17: 5 times
week 18: 6 times
week 19: 6 times
week 20: 4 times
week 21: 2 times (...)
week 22: 4 times

This isn't 30 day shred... Or it is but those 30 days aren't in one row. But this allows me to not to be a whale this summer. I've got my diet in my own hands so I don't have problems with it. Actually there's May day coming and we've planned some party with my friends and I'm afraid I'll drink quite much alcohol including sugars. But maybe that's fine? I think I need to start counting calories anyway... I just said there's all good with my diet, but haha here we go... Calories counting is quite scary. I don't want to see how much I'm really consuming.

Jogging

I wrote myself a running program for next month. Or actually it is 4 weeks and I'm starting it next Monday. 4 times / week total 30 minutes of walking+running / day. After 4 week I'll be running 20 minutes straight without any pauses. Then I'll have a pause maybe for a week, and then I'll be doing Jillian Michaels' 30 day shred. Again. But I really want to feel at least little comfortable in my body, and summer is almost here! So basically, my programs are taking two months, and in two months I can make a change to my habits and I can make a new ones (exercising!).

I feel like this is the worst post of mine and it's the worst English I've ever published this far. At least I made a promise to myself to get my lazy ass of the bed and get out running. I don't break promises.

When I wanted to say no?

My therapist told me to think of a moment when I didn't say no even if I would've wanted to. Like when did I went somewhere even though I didn't want to?

And honestly, I don't remember. I remember only little things from the past. Nothing has happened recently. It seems like I've learned to say no.

Motivation

Yaaasss, I finally found it: motivation! I'm motivated to move up my ass from the couch and do some exercise, wohoo!

The way I found it was simple: I tried on some of my old clothes and they didn't fit so well anymore. Plus I've been feeling very uncomfortable in my own body lately. So I decided it needs to stop. Besides it doesn't need to take a lot of time to do something sporty, 30 minutes is just fine.

My boyfriend wanted to cut out some sugars out of our diet, so that is also nice. He's gained some weight too so now we have a common interest in eating less any goodies. And it's easier to get back in line now when we're not overweight.

Darkness

I've felt so bad recently but now the darkness has started to fade again. At last. It was so heavy and I found everything so hard. I even had thoughts about dying, even like a small hope... to die. But not anymore. Well not so much like a week ago.

My English is probably nothing but shit right now. I'm so frustrated in my life. I'm so tired and I feel like only sleeping.

Also I'm so fat, how am I this fat???

Notebook

I've been thinking that I should buy a notebook for my anxious: I'd write about things I think make me anxious at that moment, what helped, when did I felt it or what happened if there wasn't any? Kind of a diary, I know. Since I have a psychotherapist, I should probably know what to tell and wouldn't it be quite useful to have things written?

Or maybe I just use this blog. I write this random shit here as always and before I have my appointment I'll just do some cursor rolling at this blog page.

Yep, this is my notebook.