2017 Bucket List

[ ] eat mostly vegan, as much as possible
[ ] stretch on a daily basis
[ ] do some sports regularly: at least 30 minutes three times a week
[ ] don't buy a scale
[ ] be honest with yourself
[ ] tell your thoughts aloud
[ ] cut out some white sugars and carbs
[ ] clean up whole apartment once a month
[ ] do you dishes every day
[ ] move your work-center (laptop, table etc.) away from the bedroom
[ ] ...make your bedroom your place for the rest and peace
[ ] buy some more china
[ ] get your courses done
[ ] get a job for the summer
[ ] remember to have a little summer break! Not only working...
[ ] take care of your plants
[ ] find an interesting minor to study

Plans for Christmas

I'd like to have a cigarette now. This is my first Christmas alone, at my new home. Before I've been abroad or visiting someone, now I'm alone. I've been thinking that I may pay a visit to one friend, if she's in town. But actually that doesn't really bother me, I get to see my fiancee and his family this week and I'll visit my mother on my way to my home. And I'm going to meet my family right after christmas, so it's kind of a delayed holidays here, lol.

I should visit my grandparents but they live quite far away. Does anyone else feel like they should visit their grandparents more often or at least call them?

Anyway, I'll meet people this week, but at Christmas I'll be alone.

Feeling fat

I see myself as a really fat person right now. I feel like my jeans are too small and I don't want to be in any pictures because I seem so huge.

When I think about this, I'm not really that fat. Honestly, I would lose a little weight, but I'm healthy (physically) now. Maybe this feeling is just because of the period bloating. And talking about periods, mine are late. Again. And almost one week late. I've had cramps and my boobs are swollen and sensitive but there's no blood. I want to see blood, I don't want to be pregnant. That would be great.

I decided to quit

I decided to quit smoking. I started when I was teenager just smoking seldom, like only when I was drinking. Currently I've been smoking only 1-2 cigarettes per day, but it is still too much. There's no benefits in smoking. For me smoking is more like a habit, it's like a permission to take a little break. Now I decided that I can have healthier breaks.

Do you have any tips or tricks? How did you get rid of smoking?

Weightcrisis

I just realized how fat I've become: My BMI is currently 25! Ugh, I don't want to tell any other numbers, because I find BMI informative enough. I wish I was like, umm, BMI 20 maybe.

I need to start exercising again. And eat less sugar.

Social introvert

I'm an introvert. It's not a secret, but I don't know if it's as obvious as I've used to think. What changed my thinking was that I realized I'm also a social person. I love being with and around people and I love meeting them and talking and just spending time, you know. That might not seem very introvert, right?

But that's quite a rough combination. This week I've met so much other people and today I noticed how much it takes energy from me. I'm so not ready for going to school tomorrow already. I need a day off. Which I actually already decided to give myself, at least a part day off: I'm not going to the first lesson tomorrow. That's very big thing for me, because among the other things: I'm perfectionist and I must not fail and I mustn't be absent.

How I noticed I'm tired? Well, I'm tired, but not I need sleep-tired. I kind of want to cry, but at the same time I don't feel like crying. I'm not sad, I'm just tired. I feel very vulnerable.

My period may also boost this feeling. I know that's not the main reason because my period started two days ago and two days ago I still got the energy to get to my appointments and do some project and stuff. But now I got tired.

I'm going to have a cigarette now. Then I'll update my CV.

New start

I deleted all my earlier posts because they were so old and I didn't want them included in here. And I got this clearer idea of this blog's theme so I began from the beginning. Theme is my anxiety disorder.

Also: I started to write in English, which isn't my first or not even my second language. I hope I'll be understood. At least by the language, not the content. And that's fine, I don't understand myself either. Besides I don't really care, because this blog is for me. I write this because I want to handle my thoughts and past.

If someone likes that I share these things, it's just a plus. If someone can relate and maybe finds my texts helpful, that's great! But still, I'm not going to write because I need to and I think I won't edit my posts. Only typos, but I'll let the grammar be how it was when published, because then I'll see if my skills have improved.